The One about Switzerland

Elizabeth told me this joke.

What's the benefit of living in Switzerland?


... I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.

The One about the Emails

God sat in heaven looking down over the earth at all of the people he had made. He noticed that there seemed to be quite a bit of evil going on, so he called one of the angels and asked her to go down to check it out. "Sure thing, God," she replied and went down to earth. 

The angel came back and reported her findings to God. "I'd call it 80-20," she said. "Only about 20% of the people are good. The rest of the 80% are bad, rotten eggs."

God was surprised by this, so he called another angel to him. "Yes, God?" he asked. "Please go down to earth and see if you can verify what this angel told me," God said. So the second angel went down to earth. 

The second angel returned after a short time. "God, I found that 20% of the people were good. The other 80% were corrupt, disagreeable, wicked, vile, and all around despicable. If you'll excuse me, I feel the need to go wash my hands." 

God excused the angel and sat, thinking. He was quite upset that so many people were evil and so few people were good. He thought for a long time, and decided that rather than punishing the bad people, he would send an encouraging email to all of the good people in hopes that they would read it and decide to spread decency across the world.

And do you know what that email said?

(Really, I'd like to know what it said. You didn't get one either?) 

The One about a Storm at the North Pole

One day up at the North Pole, Mrs. Claus looked outside and noticed that it was storming. "Santa!" she called. "Come and look at the rain, deer."

The One about the Vampire

Why did the vampire subscribe to the Chicago Tribune?

He heard it had great circulation. 

Happy Halloween!

The One about Grape Juice

What sound does a grape make when you step on it?

Nothing much. It just lets out a little wine.

The One about a Minnow

Do you know any good fish jokes? Let minnow.

The One about a Snail

A snail slowly slimes his way into a car dealership.

"Can I help you, sir?" asks the salesman.

"I hope so," says the snail. "I'm looking for a really fast car."

"We have many cars that go fast," replies the salesman.

"Do you also do specialty paint jobs?" asks the snail.

"Why, yes, we do. What are you looking for?"

The snail says, "I'd like you to paint a large letter 'S' on the door." 

"That's a strange request," says the salesman. "Why would you want that?"

The snail says, "When I drive by, I want people to say, 'Look at that S-car go!'"

The One about Dinosaurs

What do you say when you see a blind dinosaur?

Do you think he saurous???

The One about Quitting

A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice.
The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your
house, take your money, and go to Vegas."

The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored
the voice. The next day when he got home from work,
the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him,
"Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and
go to Vegas."

Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very
troubled by the event. Every day, the man was
tormented by the same voice when he came home from
work: " Quit your job, sell your house, take your
money, and go to Vegas."

Each time the man heard the voice he became
increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he
succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his
house, got together all his money, and headed to
Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas,
the voice told him, "Go to Caesars Palace."
So he hopped into a cab and rushed over to Caesars Palace.
As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice
echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he
was told.

When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice
firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17."
Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and
then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man
good luck and spun the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously
watched the ball as it slowly lost speed, until
finally it settled into number... 21.

The voice said, "Damn..."

The One about Charles Dickens

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender says, "Olive or twist?"

The One about a Hot Dog

I guess I have hot dogs on the brain this week.


What did the zen master say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

The One about a Leaf

A little boy sat at home, reading his family's Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, as he turned a page, something fell out. He reached down and picked it up - it was an old leaf that had been pressed between the pages. It looked as though it must have been there for many years.

"Mom, look what I found!" called the boy.

"What is it, dear?" asked the mother.

With great astonishment, the boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

The One where Sherlock Holmes Goes Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip together. After a good meal over the fire and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Several hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a moment.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Someone has stolen our tent."

The One about the Farmer's Market

A pretty young woman at the farmer's market asked a vendor for the price of his apples.

He winked at her and said, "One kiss apiece."

The young woman paused, then smiled and asked for a dozen apples.

The vendor gladly complied. Upon handing over the apples, he declared that he was owed a dozen kisses.

The young woman winked back at him, and pointed to the elderly gentleman standing behind her.

"Grandpa's paying."

The One about a Red Shirt

Long ago, there was a much-feared pirate captain who was said to never turn away from battle. Other pirates would try to overcome and board his ship, but he always fought them off.

One day while sailing, the lookout in the crow's nest said, "I see a ship coming! They're headed straight for us!"

The crew started to panic, but the pirate captain calmly said to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt."

The first mate got the captain's red shirt and he put it on. The captain and his crew fought the opposing ship and killed or drowned every last man. None fought harder than the pirate captain.

The next day, the lookout cried down, "Another ship, larger this time! These scallywags look quite mean!"

The captain said again to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt." Again the captain and his crew fought and prevailed over the other ship, and they were not overtaken.

Exhausted from two days of hard fighting, the men sat on deck and tried to recover. "Captain," said the first mate, "Why do you always wear your red shirt during battle?"

"You see, my boys," answered the captain, "The key to winning is to never show weakness. If you are injured, a red shirt will hide your blood, and they will not see that you are weakened." 

The pirates marveled at the bravery of their captain.

The very next morning, the lookout called down once more. "There are 10 ships coming straight for us, all with boarding parties! We are doomed!"

"Mate," the captained called to his first mate. 

"Yes, Captain? Do you want your red shirt?" he asked.

The captain paused and looked out at the 10 ships quickly approaching. "No," he said. "Bring me my brown pants."


Paraphrased and slightly reworked from Game of Thrones Season 4, Episode 6.

The One about 2x4s

A guy pulls into a lumberyard to buy two-by-fours. He goes into the office and tells the salesman what he needs.

"How long do you need them?" asks the sales clerk.

"Oh... let me check," the customer responds as he makes a call on his cell phone.

A couple of minutes later, the customer hangs up, comes back to the sales clerk, and says, "A pretty long time. We're building a house."

The One about Grades

A father sits at the kitchen table as his son comes home from school.

"Hello son. How are your grades?" the father asks.

The son thinks for a moment. "They're underwater," he replies.

"They're underwater?" asks the father.

"Yes," the son replies. "Below C-level."

The One about Wisconsin

Q: Why is Minnesota so windy?

A: Because the Dakotas blow and Wisconsin sucks.




Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The One about Brie

Q: What happened after the explosion at the French cheese factory?

A: All that was left was de brie.

The One about Hockey

Q: Why did the referee have to call a time-out in the leper hockey game?

A: There was a face-off in the corner.

Blackhawks play the Blues tonight as part of the Stanley Cup playoffs - let's go Hawks!

Photo from the Blackhawks Blog